Healthcare Info Guide

WHEN I’M ATTEMPTING TO RESTRAIN MY 90-YEAR-OLD 35KG FEMALE PATIENT

whatshouldwecallnursing:

she’s just like,

They didn’t live to be 90 by being wilting flowers; be careful!

(via nurse503)

A friend sent me this via email; we both agree it defines ‘nursing standards’.

• your friends call you for medical advice
• discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
• you have the bladder capacity of five people
• you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
• you believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by satan
• you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if the phrase, “wow, it is really quiet” is uttered
• your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers
• you mutter, “great veins” when being introduced to a complete stranger
• you have ever answered a “lost condom” phone call.
• you believe chocolate is a food group.
• you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
• you think that caffeine should be available in IV form.
• your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?”
• you have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control
• you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
• you have ever had a patient say, “but I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?”
• you have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food.
• your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
• your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard.
• you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants
• when checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the correct answers
• you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon.
• your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to “their room.”
• the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips.
• you refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”
• you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work.
• your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat
• you’ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you “I’m afraid of shots.”
• you believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day
• you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing.
• your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy.
• you’ve ever sworn you are going to have “NO CODE” tattooed on your chest.
• you have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate
• you have ever answered a “lost condom” phone call
• you believe chocolate is a food group
• you have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience
• you think that caffeine should be available in IV form
• your most common assessment question is “what changed tonight to make it an emergency after 6 years?”
• you have been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider radiation a form of birth control
• you have ever had a patient look you straight in the eye and say, “I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
• you have ever had a patient say, “but I’m not pregnant, I can’t be pregnant, how can I be having a baby?”
• you have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered some food
• your feet are flatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone’s
• your immune system is so well developed that it has been known to attack squirrels in the back yard
• you get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf your food even in the nicest restaurants
• when checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren’t sure of the correct answers
• you always try to schedule days off around the phases of the moon
• your alcoholically challenged patients know you by your first name, and can point to “their room.”
• the hems of your scrub pants are held in with 3-0 chromic or steristrips
• you refer to motorcyclists as “organ donors.”
• you are the only one at the dinner table NOT allowed to talk about your day at work
• your idea of fine dining is anywhere you can sit down to eat
• you’ve ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you “I’m afraid of shots.”
• you believe that the sight of a full moon can ruin a perfectly good day
• you stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth when coughing or sneezing
• your family members must have a fever of at least 105 or be missing a limb with active bleeding in order to receive your sympathy
• you’ve ever sworn you are going to have “NO CODE” tattooed on your chest
• you have been chipping away at your BSN for longer than most people take for a doctorate.

My LOL (little old lady) patient is on the bedside commode trying to have a BM after being constipated for a week…

jrabbit85:

… and I, of course, can’t leave her because she’s a huge fall risk.

… also, it’s 0600 and everyone else is calling to get help going to the bathroom too.

Add to it that she’s S/P THR, and you’ll never get to your charting.

(Source: sarcasticnursejess)